You'll Say the Words That I Can't Say
by SVZ
Summary: Mike and Tina end up dating out of convenience after Artie and Tina break up. Cue Artie and the Glee Club try to set up Mike and Kurt so Artie can win back Tina. Artie/Tina, Mike/Tina, and Kurt/Mike. Heavy on friendship and canon-verse references.
1. Bizarre Love Triangle

**Title:** You'll Say the Words That I Can't Say [part 1/?]  
**Author:** SVZ  
**Pairings:** Artie/Tina, and eventual Mike/Tina and Kurt/Mike  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Mike and Tina end up dating out of convenience and parental approval when she and Artie have a fight. Cue Artie and the Glee Club try to set up Mike and Kurt so Artie can win back Tina.  
**Author's note: **Loosely based off a promopt from the Glee Angst Meme. This is the set-up for the summary above, almost like a prologue. The start of this fic starts from eighth grade through sophomore year.  
**Disclaimer: **Glee belongs to FOX and its characters belong to Ryan Murphy. Not mine.

**You'll Say the Words That I Can't Say **

**

* * *

**

Mike's parents told him they were moving the summer before eighth grade. He didn't have time to react to the news because his eleven-year-old sister chose to burst into tears right after their big announcement.

Mike had been too caught up being the big brother and reassuring Jenny that she'll make new friends at her new school to be upset. When it finally registered that they were actually moving for real, his boxes were already packed and his mom kept going on about how the cost of living in Lima was a lot cheaper than San Francisco.

Mike kindly didn't point out everything was probably cheaper because it was _Lima, Ohio_. He actually wasn't too keen about moving to a place that shared the name of one of his least favorite foods, but kept that to himself.

He knew that he could hate Lima, Ohio with every fiber of his being and it wouldn't change anything because they were still moving. So he pasted a smile for his parents and spent all his spare time hanging out with friends and cousins in Chinatown and stuffing his face with dim sum and drinking taro bubble tea at every given opportunity. (He had his serious doubts about the quality of Lima's Chinese food.)

And he was proven right when they finally moved.

They made the mistake of ordering Chinese take-out their first night, when the house was filled with cardboard boxes and everyone was too exhausted to move, much less attempt to make dinner.

Most of it ended up in the trash.

"Well," his mom said finally, after peering at the Styrofoam container filled with mediocre lukewarm steamed vegetable and rice with ill-disguised horror. "Guess we should unpack all the kitchenware first. And after we set up our land-line, I should make some phone calls to your grandmother for some recipes."

Jenny poked at her food with her wooden chopsticks. "I didn't think anyone could mess up rice. Apparently it's possible."

Mike's dad sighed and pulled out his cell phone. "Well, Domino's' delivers."

* * *

School was actually pretty okay.

It was weird at first because it turned out that there were a total of maybe five Asian families in town. He spent the first month correcting his teachers when they assumed he was related to any of them.

On his first day, they tried pairing him up with Tina Cohen-Chang solely on the basis of their last names.

"We want to make you feel more at home," his first period teacher said cheerily while carefully enunciating her words, "And Tina can help you if you get confused or have any questions." It took Mike a second to realize that no - she wasn't kidding, she was being completely sincere.

Mike stared at her blankly before informing her that they weren't even the same kind of Asian, and _hello_, he was second-generation Chinese American but it didn't seem to help.

"Well," Mike said, after getting paired up with Tina for the third time in five periods,"This is kind of awkward."

Tina gave him a weak smile and shrugged in a 'well, what can you do?' manner. They worked in relatively comfortable silence on the science assignment of the day, and when their mothers met at a PTA meeting and became instant BFFs, they just went with it.

To be completely honest, Mike found his friendship with Puck to be a little puzzling in a 'wait, when did that happen?' way.

He and Matt shared a bunch of classes so they ended up bonding over comic books, video games, and dancing - although the last one sort of a secret. Apparently, dancing wasn't considered cool in Lima, which sucked.

After five months of living in Lima, Mike was content with hanging back in class and just not calling attention to himself. It was something he and Matt had in common. Mike had seen how kids who raised their hand for every question were treated - Rachel Berry got pushed and shoved in the hallways and called all sorts of names.

That wasn't part of his plan.

Keeping a low profile was.

It was just the practical (and smart) thing to do; breeze through middle school and high school, turn in homework, get good grades, and apply and get accepted to a decent UC school for college so he can get the hell out of Ohio.

And as for Puck, Mike wasn't sure _how_ they became friends, exactly. All he knew was that one day in eighth grade, Puck sat with him and Matt and told them they were now friends: "Finn's sick, Santana and I are off-again, and I need a break from Karofsky and Azimo because there are only so many 'yo mama' jokes I can take. 'Sup?"

And since both Matt and Mike knew what Puck treated the kids from the chess club when the teachers weren't looking (even though if things got seriously they could probably take him on 2:1, but honestly, did they really want to?) they didn't protest and made room for him at the table. So after Puck announced they were friends and invited himself over to Mike's house for video games, the question wasn't _why_, the question had been, "Okay, cool, man. What kind of games do you have?"

* * *

"Dude, your mom is _hot_."

Mike had been pouring milk into his mug and managed to miss it completely, spilling it all over the kitchen table. He yelped. "What the hell, dude?" He moved a plate of his mom's freshly baked cookies to the counter and grabbed a towel to wipe up the mess. When he looked up, Puck was still staring at the door where his mom had been a few minutes ago.

Puck raised an eyebrow. "What? It's true. Your mom is just old as mine, but she looks like she's 25, tops. Total MILF."

"Holy shit, you weren't kidding." Mike stole a glance at Matt, but he looked just as weirded out. At least one of his friends was sane. "I really didn't need to hear that."

"You have some serious issues." Matt stole a cookie and gave a Puck a judgmental look. "Like, childhood trauma, much?"

Puck ignored him. "I think it's 'cause your mom's Asian. Asian chicks always look younger than they really are. Like Lucy Liu. And that chick on Smallville, although I don't think she's full Asian. Still hot though."

"I think that is the most offensive thing I've heard all week, and I watched a Carlos Mencia comedy special last night." Mike stared at Puck, who now helping himself to a chocolate chip cookie. "Why are we friends again?"

Puck silently held up his copy of Halo 2.

Mike sighed and accidentally on purpose forgot to tell Puck that they were having pork chops for dinner, but that wasn't before Puck managed to convince him and Matt to try out for football.

* * *

"S-so, football?"

Mike looked up and saw Tina standing awkwardly in front of him in the living room.

Their mothers were tossing a salad in the kitchen, catching up on each others' lives and the latest gossip while his dad and Tina's step-dad were grilling burgers and hot dogs in the backyard. His sister was... somewhere, he didn't know. (Probably holed up in her room pretending her life was the hardest life anyone had ever lived. She was going through her melodramatic preteen phase.)

He smiled at her and scooted over on the couch to make room for her, she smiled back and sat down.

"Yeah, I'm surprised too. I think McKinley's pretty desperate."

"I-I went to one of their games. T-they're _terrible_." Tina seemed to hesitate for a second, "Y-you're friends with Puck now?"

Mike shrugged. "Kind of. He seems to think we are though. He's not half-bad when he likes you." He winced when Tina made a face; he forgot that Puck _didn't_ like Tina. "He can be kind of a jerk, though."

Tina stared at her borrowed guest slippers. She picked at a loose thread in her skirt.

Mike got up. "C'mon," he said, offering Tina a hand when she stared at him in polite confusion. "I have Guitar Hero in my room. It's going to take a while for my dad to cook, and I know your mom still needs to heat up her kimchee rice."

(Tina totally kicked his ass at Guitar Hero, but she was more relaxed and laughing by the time their parents called them outside for dinner, so Mike counted it as a win.)

* * *

"So, are you and that Tina chick related?" Puck had been waiting for him to get his books out of his locker so the question caught Mike off guard.

"No. We're not even the same type of Asian." Mike grabbed his math book and looked at Puck who had been staring at him questioningly. "Chang is just a really common Chinese and Korean surname. Why do you ask?"

Puck shoved his hands in his pockets. "I kinda accidentally slushied her at lunch today. I was aiming for the wheelchair kid, and got her instead. And Mr. Filibuster actually called roll today and I heard her last name - and well, I figured it would have been a _seriously_ dick move to do something like that if she's your cousin or something. It's got to be some violation of the Bro Code."

"Uh, it's kind of a dick move, period." Mike frowned. "Our parents are good friends and she's really nice. So, lay off, okay?"

Puck put his hands up. "Dude, I didn't mean to slushie her. And she's kind of cute, if you ignore the stutter and her freaky clothes. Plus, she's in _Glee Club_. You couldn't _pay me_ to join Homo Explosion." Seeing Mike's expression, he added hastily, "But I won't do it again if it bothers you. 'Cause we're friends."

Mike chalked it up as one of the strangest conversations he ever had with Puck.

"I'm pretty sure Puck thinks your parents have arranged an marriage between the two of you," Matt commented, after Mike filled him in during PE. "He's been under the impression that arranged marriages are still common after seeing Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. And I'm pretty sure he thinks the Bro Code from How I Met Your Mother is legit."

"Oh god," Mike groaned. "Well, I hope he stops 'cause Tina doesn't deserve all this crap."

He felt even worse when Puck and some of the guys from the team started targeting a kid from his English class named Kurt Hummel.

He found Hummel's cell phone number from his Facebook profile (yeah, the privacy settings? kind of a joke) and started to use texting to warn him when he knew the team was looking for someone to toss in the dumpster whenever he could.

Kurt tried asking him who he was a couple times, but stopped after a week and didn't text back.

Privately, Mike tried his best not analyze why he was tipping off a kid he had rarely spoke to or if it meant anything at all.

He was just being a nice guy and doing the decent thing... that was it.

Really.

In the locker room, he overheard some of the guys complain how sometimes it seemed like Hummel knew when they were after him. He had to duck his head to hide a smirk.

Trying to actively stop the guys from pulling shit was a lost cause (and would probably earn him a ridiculously painful Paintball Treatment because the team was hella psycho sometimes when it concerns the school's status quo). And Mike liked his quiet existence in the McKinley High social hierarchy just fine.

* * *

"I was thinking of joining Glee."

Matt turned to Mike and raised his eyebrows. "What?" he said, speaking for the two of them.

Puck was pointedly staring at the ceiling of Mike's room. "I was in Acafellas and the chicks really dig it. And Hummel helped us with our first win and Finn said they really need dudes. So I figure, why not?"

"That's great, but why are you telling us?" Matt rolled his eyes. "You're going to be the one who has to deal with Azimo."

"Not if you two join." Puck was totally avoiding eye contact with the two of them. "Safety in numbers and all that crap. I think Gandhi might have said that."

Mike snorted. "You want us to join 'Homo Explosion' with you?" he laughed, incredulous. "Just last week, Brittany told me she found pornographic graffiti you wrote about Rachel Berry in the girls bathroom."

"That wasn't me." At their disbelieving looks, Puck frowned. "No, seriously, it wasn't." He cleared his throat. "And all I'm saying is that you guys didn't look too upset about having to do that ridiculous dance on Friday." He turned to Mike, "Like, seriously. If I didn't know better- I could have sworn you were _interested_ in learning the Single Ladies dance by how much you were staring at Hummel during prac -"

"You know what, Puck?" Mike cut in hastily, "I think you've convinced me. I think I'll join." He inwardly kissed his peaceful existence as the likable, laid-back jock goodbye and made a note to ask Tina if the food coloring in slushies stained actually clothing next time she was over.

But hey, on the bright side, maybe this meant he could actually get a chance to dance outside of his room and Matt's basement.

Matt stared at the two of them for a few moments, and shrugged. "I guess I'm in, too."

"Sweet." Puck smirked a little. "Maybe I can get back together with Santana."

Mike shoved Puck off his bed and reached for his remote, totally not thinking about a particular male soprano in Glee and how he would like to get into _his_ good graces. Nope, not at all.


	2. Drowning Deep Inside Your Sound

_**[Glee]You'll Say the Words That I Can't Say [2/?] (Artie/Tina, Mike/Tina, Kurt/Mike)**_

**Title:** You'll Say the Words That I Can't Say [2/?]

**Author:** SVZ

**Pairings:** Artie/Tina, and eventual Mike/Tina and Kurt/Mike

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** Mike and Tina end up dating out of convenience when she and Artie have a fight. Cue Artie and the Glee Club try to set up Mike and Kurt so Artie can win back based off a prompt from Glee Angst Meme on LJ.

**Disclaimer: **Glee belongs to FOX and its characters belong to Ryan Murphy. Not mine.

**Author's note:** I tried my best to match this fic to the S1 canon as closely as possible. Let me know what you think.

* * *

Mike had a feeling he should have thought things through before joining Glee instead of jumping in headfirst.

Puck and Matt had their own reasons for joining- Puck, because his best friend was in Glee and he really wanted to get Santana back.

Matt, because he harbored the worst crush on Mercedes (Mike threatened to tell Brittany who would tell the entire school if he didn't stop man-angsting over her on AIM, seriously) and he idolized Michael Jackson to a somewhat frightening degree.

And well, it wasn't as though Mike didn't _like_ Glee.

He probably enjoyed Glee more than football or basketball since running really fast was just something he happened to be good at opposed to something he was passionate about.

Glee Club was a place where he could pop and lock during impromptu jam sessions. Mr. Schue wasn't a fan of popping and locking in choreography for New Directions since it was a little 'too street' for show choir. That by itself almost made him miss Sue's Kids even though he felt like he would get shanked by the other members of Glee if he said so out loud. But anyway, it was freaking awesome that he could now show off and try out new moves in front of a (mostly) appreciative audience instead of in his room in front of his full length mirror.

It was also pretty cool being able to hang out with Tina a few hours each week outside of classes and whenever his parents invited her family over.

And it wasn't like he experienced a sudden drop in popularity either; unlike Finn and Puck and some of the other members, no one really actively bothered him about being in Glee.

_(_

Tina's mom worked at the local library, so Tina told Matt how to sneak out this year's copy of the Thunderclap from their school library since they were technically not allowed to check it out and neither of them wanted to browse through the yearbook with other people around. Mike figured that if they were going to return it anyway, it wasn't like they were doing anything wrong.

So Matt had been the one to point out that he and Brittany were the only two people who didn't get defaced in the Glee photo in yearbook. "What gives?"

Mike had shrugged his shoulders and scratched his head, perplexed. "Who knows? Maybe they ran out of ink."

Matt had rolled his eyes and jabbed a thumb at Brittany's smiling face and then at Mike's. "No, really. I got an afro and a goatee and I'm honestly trying to figure out how you two managed to escape unscathed. You're both good dancers and half the school thinks the two of you are dating, but I don't get it."

Mike had thought it over for a few moments before... "Uh, we're both nice?" At Matt's annoyed expression, he shook his head. "I honestly don't know, man. But Britt's too sweet to hate and I just try not to piss anyone off before graduation? Santana likes me, which has to mean something, because she doesn't like _anyone_."

Matt simply stared at the Glee Club photo and almost absent-mindedly punched Mike in the shoulder.

"Ow! What the fuck?"

"You suck."

_)_

But the more Glee practices he attended, the more Mike realized something very important: joining Glee Club had been kind of a dumb, rash decision.

Because, basically, trying to stop a friend (and the rest of the school) from figuring out that you have a small, minuscule 'I can't-stop-staring-at-him-out-of-the-corner-of-my-eye' crush on a guy by joining the very same Glee Club the said guy was a member of, thus ensuring that you see him in close proximity four times a week outside of shared classes?

Yeah, probably not one of his brightest ideas.

* * *

"I feel like this club needs an obligatory disclaimer," Mike muttered to Matt while the practice room was still in chaos. After he and Matt pulled Finn off of Puck, Finn stormed out of the choir room. Puck was still bleeding a bit, Quinn was sobbing, and Rachel was having a mini-breakdown because half the people in the room hated her for spilling the beans on Babygate _and_ they were a member short for qualifying for sectionals.

"Hmm?" Matt looked at him questioningly.

"'Caution: this club attracts drama like bees to honey'," Mike replied dryly. He heard someone muffle a startled giggle. When he turned his head, Kurt Hummel was in the middle of a deep conversation with Mercedes and pointedly not looking in his direction.

Matt put a hand on his shoulder, causing Mike to look up. He looked between him and Kurt for a moment with raised brows and just said, "_Dude_."

* * *

"So how long have you-"

"As long as you've liked Mercedes, if not longer."

"Whoa, damn."

"Yup."

"Well, half the school still thinks you and Britt are an item. And I think Puck is still convinced you and Tina have an arranged marriage thing going on."

"That's... good to know?"

"... My older brother has some beer in his mini-fridge. Want some?"

"_Please_."

* * *

Matt didn't freak, which was a huge relief.

Mike hadn't thought Matt would, but well, it hadn't taken long after his move to learn that Lima was very different from San Francisco.

San Francisco was where he and his cousins learned about Harvey Milk in school curriculum, so he knew about the politician before the Hollywood biopic came out.

His mom, in her midlife 'I-am-searching-for-my-cultural-heritage' crisis/phase, had even dragged him to the Hartford Street Zen Center on Castro a few times for Buddhist meditation (he had an issue with keeping still for extended periods of time so they politely asked him to leave after he kept twitching and distracting other people). His aunt was a film buff so she took him to see the San Fran International Asian-American Film Festival showcase at the Castro Theatre every year before they moved. He was familiar with the neighborhood, and his parents never treated it like a den of sin and iniquity. They weren't thrilled with the idea of him going there alone at night - but that was pretty true of any neighborhood in the city.

San Francisco had Castro street and a history of being a mecca for LGBT people; their school curriculum more or less taught its students that homophobia was wrong and would not be tolerated on school grounds. San Francisco was one of the most queer-friendly cities in America.

And Lima wasn't.

"This actually makes a lot of sense," Matt commented casually, not long after he found out that Mike had eyes for Kurt. He was loading Mike's DVD player while Mike shoved stuff off his bed so they could watch their movie comfortably.

"What makes a lot of sense?"

"Why you're so determined to get good grades and get out of here."

Mike's lips curved into a small smile when he thought about his plan. "Well, yeah. All I can do is try to get over Kurt and wait until college for any chance of a serious relationship. What are the chances that I can get that here when Kurt's getting thrown into the dumpster and Glee Club members are treated like dirt?"

Matt didn't reply but he settled back into Mike's bed as the DVD menu of X3 popped up. He swung an arm around Mike's shoulder, and Mike understood. Matt was his best friend for a reason.

* * *

The problem was that once someone knew, it was suddenly a lot harder to keep things under wraps. Like any time he was in the same room with Kurt had the potential to be a 'Let's Out Yourself Like an Afterschool Special' moment.

Even though Mike knew that Matt had no intentions of telling anyone, it still meant his best friend would pull shit like _sitting next to Artie during practice_ so Mike would have no choice but to sit next to Kurt. (Matt claimed it was because he wanted a better view of Mercedes. Mike liked to think that his best friend just enjoyed dicking around with him to make his life miserable.)

"Okay, you are so lucky everyone thinks you're straight," Matt had commented in Mike's car one day, "You have the worst poker-face of anyone I know. You light up like whenever Kurt walks into a room. I can't believe I didn't notice sooner."

"I hate you. I don't know why you're my best friend." Mike sighed when he pulled into the Rutherfords' driveway. "Was I really that bad?"

"I'm pretty sure you spent most of the time staring at Kurt longingly instead of watching the girls perform that Madonna number."

Mike rolled his eyes. "Get out." He pointed to his watch, "Tina's family is over for dinner tonight and I need to help set up."

"Pick me up tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

* * *

Tina was unnaturally subdued during dinner. Jenny was involved with her school play so she filled up the silence and the adults were politely interested in whatever she was talking about.

After he loaded up the dishwasher and their parents had adjourned to the living room for coffee, he caught Tina by the arm and gently pulled her upstairs to his room.

She raised an eyebrow when he kept the door open.

"I think I might be the one girl they won't mind catching you with," she said, smiling wryly from his desk chair.

Laughing, Mike agreed. "They're really not subtle about wanting us to date, are they?" His parents kept dropping hints about how much they liked Tina even though they knew she was already dating someone from Glee Club.

"Not really." Tina fiddled with her jewelry and sighed.

"Want to talk?"

Tina took one look at the door and shrugged. Mike crossed the room to shut it. He took a seat on his bed and the two of them sat in comfortable silence.

"It's Artie."

Tina was still playing with one of her rings when she spoke again. "You know things were kind of tense between the two of us after he found out about my fake stutter?"

Mike nodded, "Yeah. But I thought things were okay again?" Honestly, Mike was glad that Tina was finally honest about it - maybe it was a little terrible of him, but it meant conversations with her were a lot easier.

"So did I... but now he wants me to change the way I dress if I want to... well, _be with him_." Tina ducked her head in embarrassment. "Mr. Schue overheard me and the girls talking - I think this is why Madonna's the theme of the week."

"Um, wow." Mike blinked, taken aback. "That was a seriously douche move on Artie's part." He hesitated for a second but reached over to squeeze Tina's shoulder gently. "You're a really awesome person, you know? And right now Artie's head is too far up his ass to realize that."

Tina shot him a grateful smile behind her long bangs. "Thanks, Mike."

Mike grinned back. He was about to remove his hand when the door of his room swung open, his sister standing in the doorway with wide eyes.

Jenny's expression was positively gleeful before she slammed the door shut only to skip downstairs. Mike could hear her from his room:

"MOM, DAD, GUESS WHAT MIKE AND TINA WERE DOING IN HIS ROOM?"

Mike could have sworn she was actually cackling.

Mike yanked his hand away from Tina and the two of them stared at each other in horror for a few seconds before collapsing into a fit of uncontrolled laughter.

* * *

Mike was vaguely aware that Mr. Schue was yelling at Mercedes and Kurt about joining the Cheerios but currently he was busy trying to pretend the "4 Minutes" performance hadn't affected him.

He found himself grateful to Coach Sylvester for getting Kurt into the male Cheerios uniform. He hadn't given much thought to their school's cheerleading uniforms before, and now he wondered how he could have missed them - whoever designed them was a genius.

Somehow, the male Cheerios uniform managed to show off Kurt's lean physique better than most items in his usual haute couture wardrobe (probably because Kurt usually wore a ton of layers, and wow, Mike really shouldn't be keeping track of Kurt's clothes because that's heading towards stalker territory).

Trying to pretend his crush on Kurt didn't exist was suddenly more difficult than he initially anticipated.

Most of the time, Mike didn't have a problem with Mr. Schue.

His teacher usually meant well even if he wasn't a fan of Mike's popping-and-locking outside of informal jam sessions. And okay, his Spanish was actually hilariously bad (if the guy ever went anywhere in California Mike was sure he would get laughed out of the state for his terrible accent but that's Lima's obscenely low standards of public education for you) but he usually had the best intentions.

That said, Mike had no idea why he was called into a special exclusively all-guys Glee Club practice during his study hall to sing about sexism and male chauvinism through the world's most awkward Madonna song arrangement.

Seriously, why was he here?

Why were Kurt and Matt here too?

(And why wasn't _Jesse_ with them?)

If anything, Artie should have gotten singled out for his dickish behavior towards Tina. Puck too, since he was always a bit of an asshole. Getting Quinn knocked up didn't magically change the way the guy was programmed.

(And, well, Finn was never sexist on purpose - he was just usually too dense or oblivious to realize he said something potentially offensive.)

Anyway, that probably would have been a more effective method than dragging everyone in for something so painfully useless.

Half the members didn't even need the lesson Mr. Schue was trying to so desperately teach.

Mike stole a glance at Kurt when the other boy read his line and he seemed similarly unimpressed with Mr. Schue's assignment. His expression and body language positively screamed 'Is there a reason for me to be here or is this Mr. Schue's way of punishing me for joining the Cheerios?'

He was, however, happy to see that Artie finally realized he had been acting like an ass. Matt managed to witness Tina's confrontation and he told him Tina's smack-down had been _epic_.

Good for her.

* * *

Mike fell over when April Rhodes added, "Or another fella, if that's how the Good Lord made ya" to her announcement of couple skating. She had winked at Kurt as she said it and Mike thought his heart did something weird in his chest when Kurt somehow managed to look simultaneously mortified and pleased.

Good to know that April Rhodes wasn't a fan of heteronormativity.

After falling on his ass four times in ten minutes, Mike managed to stumble into a chair for a short break. To his surprise, Kurt dropped into the chair across to him.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself." Kurt smiled. "I'm hiding from April," he explained. "She's busy singing with Mr. Schue but the moment she spots me, she'll try to ruin my liver through alcohol poisoning."

"Oh." Mike fumbled around for words. "You were great out there." It was true, Kurt had been doing little jumps and spins.

Kurt smile widened. "Thanks." For a second, it seemed like he was about to return the compliment but he hesitated for a second.

"You don't have to say it," Mike said, grinning wryly. "I suck." He gestured to his skates. "It's weird, I know how to rollerblade and I can ice skate but I can't do this... kind of embarrassing."

Kurt shrugged. "You're the most graceful person I know. I'm sure you'll get it." He paused for a moment, "Karofsky and his friends haven't given me much trouble since I've joined the Cheerios, but I want to thank you for all the times before."

Mike was so startled he forgot to even try to deny it. "How did you...?"

Kurt raised an eyebrow. "I figured it out a while back. You're the only person in this school with a 415 area code." He then smiled fondly at his best friend when Mercedes yelled at him to get his cute white ass out onto the rink and excused himself before Mike could say another word.

A couple minutes after he left, Matt took his place and rolled his eyes when he caught Mike watching Kurt. "You have it bad."

Mike sighed. "Tell me about it."

* * *

Matt was the worst best friend in the universe.

He _sucked_ at trying to make him feel better.

"It's not like you didn't know he liked Finn," Matt helpfully pointed out as he was driving. "At this point, I'm pretty sure even Finn knows that Kurt likes him."

"Yeah." Mike remembered that Finn once went on a short rant at Puck after he once called Kurt gay (according to Tina, it was before Kurt was officially out of the closet). Finn had gone on about the dangers of stereotyping and how Kurt told him that he wasn't gay, so Puck could just shove it. "What is it about Glee Club and everyone's inexplicable need to sing about their emotions?"

"Beats me. It kind of freaks me out. I always feel like someone's going to suddenly start singing about worst pies in London."

"I'm sure Rachel and Mr. Schue would be thrilled to know that the only musical you've watched is the movie version of Sweeney Todd. And that the only reason you saw it was because your cousins didn't tell you the movie had singing."

"Screw you. How was I supposed to know Johnny Depp could sing?"

* * *

Mike felt like he was having a pretty decent week.

Usually basketball, homework, and Glee ate up a huge chunk of his time but he could relax a little after seeing his grades on his progress report card: they weren't final, but he was acing everything so far. As long as he kept it up, he was in the clear. His parents were happy for him and his sister was only slightly resentful, so things were normal. (Kurt hadn't talked to him since the roller rink, but he now acknowledged him with a small nod or wave whenever they passed each other in the hall which was progress.)

Glee had been super chill since Rachel lost her voice so she couldn't yell at them about Regionals. Puck was super-intent on getting into Mercedes' pants but he was _terrible_ at it.

He and Matt had taken up recording tally marks every time Puck accidentally said something offensive, which became even more hilarious when Puck got desperate and started asking Matt for advice. Mike was certain Puck had no idea his best friend had been feeding him lousy pick-up lines and tips on purpose.

(Matt had been less thrilled when Mercedes and Puck actually started dating, even though it was obvious they were using each other, but hey, that was life.)

He had been anticipating another laid-back Glee practice when Matt kicked him in the shin.

Mike moved his chair and frowned. "What's your prob-"

Matt gestured to Kurt who had just walked in through the door and was now talking to Mercedes. Kurt was dressed like a lumberjack. He leaned over to whisper, "Why does Kurt look like a lesbian?"

It only got stranger from there. Kurt's Mellencamp rendition was awkward (and kind of weirdly hot, but he planned on keeping that to himself) and then the next thing Mike knew, Kurt and Brittany were going out.

He waited for Matt to get his crap from his locker and watched as Kurt and Brittany and Puck and Mercedes headed toward the parking lot in pairs. He elbowed Matt in the side, "Okay, is it just me... or is this just _really_ fucked up?"

Matt shook his head and slammed his locker shut. "Not just you, bro."

* * *

Thing were kind of a blur after that.

Kurt started dressing like himself again, for which Mike was very grateful, because trucker hats and flannel looked terrible on him.

They didn't place at Regionals but rumor had it that Coach Sylvester made a deal with Figgins to give Glee another year.

Mr. Schue was busy with end-of-the-school year stuff but that didn't stop them from meeting in the choir room for impromptu jam sessions. Most of the songs would never make it to their set list, but the pressure was off- _they had another year_- and all they've been doing in classes was reviewing material for final exams or working on final projects.

To be honest, these unofficial Glee practices were the highlight of Mike's week and he was pretty sure he wasn't the only one who felt that way.

So when both Artie and Tina failed to show up one Friday after school, he was a little concerned. Tina had never missed a single practice before.

* * *

"Artie and I broke up," Tina told him over her mom's famous apple pie. She looked at the open doorway of her room as though expecting someone to eavesdrop but their parents and his sister were in the backyard playing with her Corgis. "It was kind of stupid, but we've been arguing a lot lately."

"That really sucks."

Tina smiled sadly. "I was sick of him blaming me for everything. Nothing's ever his fault and we keep having the same argument over and over..." She dropped her fork onto the plate with a loud clatter. "I just got sick of it."

"Sounds like he has some of own issues to sort out," Mike replied, choosing his words very carefully. "I'm sorry." And he was. He liked Artie well enough, but he had to choose - he would be siding with Tina, no question.

Tina handed him her plate when he finished his.

She waved for him to accept it. "Take it, I'm not hungry."

"Once I'm done with this - " Mike gestured to his new plate with his fork, "Want to watch something? I drove my car over so I can leave whenever."

This time, Tina's smile was more genuine. "I'd like that. Thanks."

* * *

Thanks to Mishy and Gryffin_Draco for beta-ing. All the other mistakes are mine. Reviews and feedback appreciated! (We're almost to the main plot.)  
.


	3. California Gurls

**Title:** You'll Say the Words That I Can't Say [3/?]

**Author: **SVZ

**Pairings:** Artie/Tina, and eventual Mike/Tina and Kurt/Mike

**Rating:** PG-13

**Summary:** Mike and Tina end up dating out of convenience after she and Artie break up. Cue Artie and the Glee Club try to set up Mike and Kurt so Artie can win back Tina.

**Author's note:** Loosely based off a prompt from Glee Angst Meme on LJ. Special thanks goes out to Gryffin-Draco for betaing.

**Disclaimer:** Glee belongs to FOX and its characters belong to Ryan Murphy. Not mine.

**You'll Say the Words That I Can't Say**

Her parents were sympathetic when they found that she and Artie broke up, but that didn't stop them from singing Mike's praises. They had liked Artie fine and her parents weren't _happy_ that they were no longer together, but they acted as though they had been expecting it.

They also weren't subtle in dropping hints about how much they liked Mike and his family. Her mom, in particular, kept telling her that Mike would make the ideal boyfriend - and Tina honestly wouldn't have been so annoyed about it if she hadn't already heard it a hundred times before.

And okay, Tina had a feeling she may have made it worse by hanging out with Mike a lot on the weekends.

She and Artie were still on awkward terms (Facebook socialization? Okay, fine. Real life socialization? Not by a longshot.) and Mercedes and Kurt kept trying to ply her with ice cream to get her to _talk about her feelings_. It was ridiculous; it was like they forgot that she had been the one to break up with _him_. Mike was the only friend she had who didn't push for details about what happened and treated her the same.

"It's _summer_." Tina knew she was whining, but she couldn't take it. She stretched her legs and soaked up the warm sunlight that peeped through Mike's blinds. "I can't believe you're studying when you could be having fun."

Even with her eyes closed, she could tell was Mike sitting at his desk (because she stole his bed) with his SAT prep book open, watching her with a tolerant expression usually reserved for screaming toddlers and small yippy dogs.

"I need to get a good score on this."

"You have a 4.0 GPA, you play a musical instrument, two team sports, and you're in Glee. Wow, Mike. What college could ever want to accept you?" Tina asked sarcastically and was rewarded with the sound of Mike laughing at her.

"The UCs are competitive, and I don't plan on staying here for college."

Tina found Mike's mild west coast elitism to be wildly entertaining. It had surprised her at first since she had never heard him saying anything negative about her hometown outright, but sometimes he could go on forever about the glory of In-N-Out and California weather.

Granted, she didn't really want to stay in Lima either - but Mike sometimes took it to an entirely different level.

"The only way you could be more well-rounded is if you joined the Cheerios." She grinned, "Hey, maybe you should. The Cheerios _are_ a nationally ranked cheerleading team, and I'm sure Sue Sylvester would appreciate having another flexible guy on her team of champions."

Mike didn't respond. When Tina lifted her head up, he was hunched over his desk over the math section. She sighed and dug her iPod out of her bag - she was in the mood for some Regina Spektor.

* * *

Mike's sister got accepted to a music camp at the last minute which meant they were left with an extra ticket to San Francisco.

Tina thought it said a lot about how their parents wanted to get them together (they couldn't get any more obvious, her mom actually looked disappointed when she left her bedroom door open when Mike was over) when his parents suggested she go to San Francisco with Mike in Jenny's place. And her parents _agreed_ because they claimed it was a great opportunity for her to visit some college campuses.

* * *

Mike's aunt and uncle adored her, even if it was awkward that they kept referring to her as Mike's girlfriend whenever they introduced her to other people. She and Mike had decided prior to the trip that she was going to pretend she had a boyfriend back home to avoid the situation altogether, but it didn't seem to make a difference so they stopped trying to correct them.

All and all, Tina was enjoying herself. Mike's family were all second-generation so they were very Americanized, much like her and her mom. Mike's cousins were all incredibly nice and laid-back (she wondered if it was a Chang family trait or if there was something in California's water) and were really great about taking to her to all the lame touristy venues.

The only inconvenient thing about staying with the Changs was that Mike's family kept accidentally slipping into Cantonese when they spoke to her. That also happened with Mike's friends' parents; they just assumed she was also Chinese.

All she could do was smile blankly and nod.

She was also pretty sure that some of the elders were silently judging her for seemingly being ignorant of her mother-tongue.

After the fifth time, Mike pulled her aside. "Okay, repeat after me - _wo shi hangguoren_." He made her repeat it several times before he deemed her pronunciation and tones passable.

"What am I even saying?"

"'I am Korean'." Mike smiled at her. "I know, simple but very effective, right?"

"It sounds... different?" Tina frowned and tried to phrase it the right way. "It doesn't sound like what you use when you talk to your parents."

Mike looked as though he was a little impressed that she noticed the difference. "That's 'cause it's Mandarin and you're probably used to hearing my family speak Cantonese. Most of my family can understand both. I'd teach you how to say it in Canto, but the language has 6-10 tones, depending on who you ask." Mike laughed when she visibly shuddered and muttered that she would never complain about Hebrew school again.

* * *

San Francisco was an amazing city, she could understand why Mike missed it so much.

But she was going to kill him if he didn't put in his headphones.

"I'm really happy for you but I think I might punch you in the face if you don't stop playing this song."

Mike cheerfully obliged by putting in his earbuds but was really obnoxious about mouthing the lyrics, _you could travel the world, but nothing comes close to the golden coast_, all the way to his favorite Chinese bakery for the world's best mango smoothies.

They heard the song four more times in various stores and cafes as they shopped and Tina found herself quoting the lyrics on her Facebook status in spite of herself. Kurt was going to complain about how he thought she had gotten over her Katy Perry-worshipping phase, she already knew it. (She received a notification five minutes later: _Mike Chang likes this_. She crossed the room and threw a crumpled up piece of paper at his head.)

* * *

She found herself missing In-N-Out Burger within a week of returning to Lima. Mike had been utterly unsympathetic to her plight ("Tough luck. I grew up with them, guess how I felt when I first moved here") and managed to bully her into studying for the SATs with him.

To be fair, it had less to do with Mike forcing her to review math she had already forgotten in Algebra II and more with her visit to Scripps College during their trip. She had fallen in love with the school and campus and it was _really selective_. Her grades were good, but she had her work cut out for her if she wanted any chance for a scholarship to an out of state school.

After an hour of staring at her Biology SAT Subject book, she felt like her brain was leaking out of her ears. She turned to Mike who looked just as pained at his Chinese SAT Subject practice test. "I'm going to get something to drink. You want anything?"

Mike gave her a tired nod and went back to squinting at all the complicated-looking characters in front of him. When she returned with a can of Diet Coke, he thanked her absently.

"How bad?"

He made a face. "My visit reminded me exactly how rusty my Chinese - especially my Mandarin - is." He sighed. "Also, the test is insane because kids in China who speak and write Chinese everyday can take it for an easy 800 and screw up the freaking curve."

Tina flopped down onto the seat across from him in the den. "I'm sort of in the same boat," she admitted. "It was kind of dumb of me to choose Biology when I'm better with English Literature."

Mike snickered. "Congratulations for not perpetuating Asian-American stereotypes?" He rubbed his eyes. "When I first moved, my eighth grade math teacher made me take a test to see where I had left off in California. She told me it didn't count but Karofsky was copying my answers." His eyes twinkled a little, "I failed it on purpose and he never tried to copy off me again. I think he said something along the lines of 'I thought Asians were supposed to be good at math' when he got the test back."

Tina rolled her eyes. "Passive-aggressivism at its best. And I'm sure Mrs. Gray was astonished when you got a perfect score on the next test."

"I told her I wasn't feeling well that day. It wasn't a lie - I remember they had mystery meatloaf for lunch." Mike closed his book. "So, my sister owns all the Twilight movies and I know your mom won't let you watch them. Want to make fun of all the terrible acting?"

Tina volunteered to make the popcorn.

* * *

Tina had spent the day shopping with Kurt, Quinn, and Mercedes. Kurt had just dropped her off at the door when her cell phone rang, the first few bars of "California Gurls" told her that Mike was on the other line.

It took her a minute to free up her hands to answer. "What's up?"

"Hey Tina, I, um, kind of screwed up by saying something without thinking?"

"What?"

Mike continued, "So I was hanging out with Puck because he and Quinn are off-again."

Huh, that been strange. Quinn hadn't said a word when they were at the mall.

Tina tuned out some of Mike's rambling as she grabbed her bags to take to her room. He was talking something about Puck's sister being in the same class as Jenny and Puck blah blah blah and him figuring out that the they were not in an arranged marriage (she figured she didn't want to know; if it was important, Mike probably would have mentioned it earlier).

"- And somehow, he started talking about how he managed to get with every girl in Glee except for you. Then he started asking me questions about your last name and if I knew anything about Asian Jews and I sort of panicked and told him we were dating - "

Tina blinked and pressed her phone to her ear. "Wait, say that again?"

Mike was already apologizing profusely. "I'm sorry, but our parents have kind of assumed we were dating since we've been hanging out a lot. And Puck looked like he was ten minutes away from googling 'Korean Jew songs' and heading over to your house to sing outside your bedroom window."

Tina could mentally picture him pacing in his room, making wild hand gestures that she couldn't see to illustrate exactly how he panicked. She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing.

"Okay."

"What?" Mike sounded frazzled.

"I said, it's okay." Tina ended up dropping all her new purchases onto the floor of her room. "I _really_ don't want to deal with Puck trying to get with me so I guess you're now my pretend boyfriend." She thought she heard Mike breathe a sigh of relief on the other hand. "My Netflix came today and I have Zombieland and Shaun of the Dead. Interested?"

Mike sounded mildly bewildered but willing enough. "Sure? I'm busy tonight and tomorrow, but we can probably hang out and watch it this weekend? I'll Facebook you with the details."

Tina logged onto Facebook after she hung up. She reread Artie's latest post on her wall (it was a couple of weeks old. Since then, there had just been radio silence and she wondered if he was waiting for her to make the next move) before hitting her profile tab to edit her relationship status. Mike was online and it only took him a few minutes to confirm:

_Tina Cohen-Chang is in a relationship with Mike Chang. _

_

* * *

_

One moment, they were sharing Twizzlers and a half-empty bottle of Sangria, sitting on Tina's couch watching Shaun of the Dead with the lights off. The next thing she knew, they were kissing.

All Tina remembered was that she had looked up from all the gore on the screen to watch the light from the TV screen flicker over Mike's face. The alcohol had given her just enough of a buzz that she felt warm and content and found everything to be more interesting than normal. Mike was watching the horde of zombies on the screen with rapt attention. She had been admiring his profile for a while when he turned his head to look at her questioningly and then...

She pulled away and grabbed the remote, flustered. "Um, wow."

Mike similarly recoiled. He coughed, not quite meeting her eyes, echoing her words. "That was..."

"Insanely awkward?" Tina supplied helpfully from the other end of the couch. She was sitting as far away from Mike without falling off. "Felt weird and not in a good way?"

He sucked in a breath with a nervous laugh. "Yeah."

"It's my fault," Tina said, ducking her head. She hoped the darkness and her long hair covered up how much she was blushing. "I wasn't really thinking clearly." She didn't blame the bottle of wine that they had liberated from the cellar the minute her parents' car and pulled out of the drive-way or her low alcohol tolerance. She didn't say their fake relationship had confused her for a moment, making her think-_hope_- for a moment that- just maybe - the two of them could have worked.

It would have been so easy and convenient.

Mike was silent for a long moment, so long that Tina was afraid he was going to grab his messenger bag and leave. But then he blurted out "I kind of like someone" in such a way that she just knew it had been bubbling inside of him and he hadn't really expected to tell her. His expression was completely terrified.

"Okay," she said, determined to make things good between them. "Do I know her?"

He fidgeted with a throw pillow and didn't answer immediately. When he did, she had to strain her ears to hear: "You do. You know him rather well, in fact" and it took her a brain a second to register what he said and-

Understatement of the year: she hadn't been expecting that.

She suppose she could have argued that under the current circumstances, she should be forgiven for immediately jumping to the obvious question: "Is it Kurt?"

Mike gave her such a dark look that she immediately backpedaled and explained her reasoning. "I'm not asking if it's Kurt because he's the only gay guy in the school. He's one of the only guys I talk to."

That seemed to placate him a little because he nodded, expression still a bit wary. "The only other person who knows is Matt. I'm not... I'm not _gay_ but I'm not completely straight either."

The DVD had frozen right when the zombies were making their way into the pub. She stared at the screen without really seeing it and forced herself to sound casual when she said, "Rachel's pretty hot when she's not talking." From the corner of her eye, she saw Mike's expression shift to one of surprise and confusion.

She smiled a little and shrugged her shoulders. "She's really not too bad sometimes. She's super intense. It's just... I can only take her in small doses."

"Oh." Mike shifted a little and slowly moved closer to the middle of the couch; she met him half-way.

"Okay." Tina mulled over their conversation for a long moment. "So you like Kurt but we're technically dating." She then paused."Wait, doesn't this make me your gay beard?"

"..."

"Oh my god, _it does_." She giggled helplessly when Mike buried his face into his hands and groaned. She breathed an inward sigh of relief; things were back to normal, or as close to normal as they could be.

Tina grabbed the remote from the coffee table and hit resume play, humming along to Queen. She handed Mike the rest of the bottle of wine and told him to finish it off; he needed it more than she did.

* * *

Tina wasn't sure what her relationship with Mike was. All she knew was that it was confusing.

They were in a sort of fake relationship, because she honestly didn't want Puck to get any ideas. He was already leaving weird messages on her Facebook wall about Judaism and Margaret Cho and she _really_ didn't want him following her around trying to woo her with his guitar. (She was there when he tried it on Rachel, Mercedes, and Quinn. He was a one trick pony.) Basically, their friendship stayed the same.

It seemed like everyone had opinions.

Their parents were possibly more thrilled about them dating than it was socially acceptable. ("I'm pretty sure that if my parents found out you knocked me up, they would buy you a house." "… Huh. I can't argue with that. Maybe we should give it another- " "No. Because no.")

Their friends were another thing altogether.

Artie hadn't tried to contact her at all.

Mercedes kept trying to tell her that she and Mike were all wrong for each other.

Quinn told her that she needed time from her breakup with Artie to get to know herself better and tried to lecture her about the dangers of rebounding.

(Kurt was strangely silent whenever Quinn and Mercedes brought up her dating Mike, but he tried to talk her into changing her hair again.)

She and Mike established earlier on that there was no chemistry between the two of them. They were two moderately attractive teens who were flexible when it came to sexuality and just... nothing. There was no attraction whatsoever.

Tina read in a magazine somewhere that some columnist didn't think men and women could be just friends because sex screwed everything up.

She was pretty sure the columnist was wrong.

She had known Mike since he moved to Lima and he was really sweet and easy to hang out with. They had a lot in common and after being his replacement Matt for the summer, she was positive she knew him better than she knew anyone else from Glee.

… But they couldn't function as a normal couple.

It was a shame because life would have been so much easier if they could. (They had parental approval and shared common interests on their side. Maybe their hormones were just defective.)

But Mike was seriously hung up on Kurt and she still stalked Artie's Facebook page like, five times a day, so their relationship was strictly a front.

"I think we're in a relationship of convenience," Mike decided, after she wiped the floor with him in Guitar Hero. For once, she couldn't tell what he was thinking because he wasn't facing her – he was digging through his drawers, trying to locate his student ID for the first day of school.

Tina saved her new high score. She sighed, a little resigned. "Yeah, I guess we are."

* * *

As always, feedback and reviews are much appreciated! I've been writing a lot due to stress. I'm studying abroad this fall and the university screwed up my housing... so guess who's going to be homeless the minute I step off the plane in a few days? I've been trying to fix the situation by the university are being incredibly frustrating/rude with their responses and reviews have been the only positive messages sitting in my inbox all week.


	4. Summer Nights

**Title:**You'll Say the Words That I Can't Say [4/?]  
**Author:** SVZ  
**Pairings:** Artie/Tina, Mike/Tina(friendship), Kurt/Mike  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Word Count:** 7200  
**Spoilers:** Up through Journey with quite a lot of S2 rumors.

**Summary:** Mike and Tina end up dating out of convenience after she and Artie break up. Cue Artie and the Glee Club try to set up Mike and Kurt so Artie can win back Tina.

**You'll Say the Words That I Can't Say**

* * *

In retrospect, Artie realized that he screwed up his chances with Tina because he had acted like a jerk. It just took him a little longer than it probably should have.

His first clue was when Mercedes cornered him outside of Biology, blocked all his escape routes, and gave him a lecture about treating women with respect. She even sang a little. Later, Artie realized that Mercedes probably meant to time her lecture and Aretha Franklin riff until _after_ Tina found him.

His second clue was when Tina broke up with him not ten minutes later.

She found him at his locker and dumped him on the spot. She said that she liked him a lot, but not enough to put up with him continually using his condition as a crutch (and that she said this without even a _hint_ of irony rubbed him the wrong way immediately) and bringing up her fake stutter every time they argued.

This time, she didn't yell or flip him off – but she looked like she was going to cry. When Tina shuffled off in the direction of the cafeteria, Artie only watched, feeling numb.

In lieu of eating lunch, he decided to head to the library to give himself time to think. It wasn't like he would be welcomed at their usual table – Mercedes and Quinn were probably already at Tina's side.

* * *

His third, fourth, and fifth clues came when members of the club started walking him to class to discuss the break-up.

All they wanted to do was talk about how great Tina was and how he royally screwed up his chances with her.

He tried defending himself by pointing out that some of the things that the other guys had done (Puck knocking up Quinn, Finn pretending he liked Rachel for a music scholarship, Kurt setting up Finn's mom with his dad so he and Finn could be roommates) were significantly worse than anything he did.

To his immense frustration, they just ignored him or pretended they didn't hear when he brought these incidents up, even though Artie knew he had a point. How could anyone compare Artie telling Tina that she should start dressing sexier to Jesse betraying New Directions and egging Rachel in the parking lot?

At first, Artie had been upset that Tina broke up with him so suddenly, right when he was under the impression that everything was going great. Now, he resented her for getting everyone involved and her flimsy reasons for dumping him.

She accused him of using his condition was an excuse. A crutch, she had said.

She and everyone else were forced to sit in a wheelchair for a few hours a week – long enough for them to realize that it seriously sucked – but not long enough to remember to think of wheelchair mobility when they planned club get-togethers.

The entire experiment was temporary for them and Artie couldn't help but feel bitter; because even if they had learned enough to feel _even more_ sorry for him than they had in the past, they, for the most part, remained blind to their own privilege. At that the end of the day, Mr. Schue's assignment-of-the-week may have made them more sympathetic, but it did very little to help them _understand_.

He had to give up on his dream of becoming a dancer since Miss Pillsbury reminded him that there was no magic cure for his condition: it was permanent.

It had been so easy for everyone to forgive or shrug off Tina faking a disability for years, as though they were simply relieved that they didn't have to bother with the inconvenient stutter any longer. Not one single person seemed to realize how deeply hurtful that way of thinking about a disability was to those who couldn't just shuck theirs away at their convenience.

Artie had managed to forgive her for her genuinely hurtful and insulting behavior, but somehow he had become the unquestioned bad guy in the situation.

He found the situation to be seriously unfair.

It wasn't until a few days after they had broken up that Artie realized he may have been wrong.

He was still preoccupied with being angry at Tina and had accidentally snapped at Brittany in one of their classes (she wanted to let him know that she thought that he and Tina were really cute together) so he wasn't _completely_ surprised when Santana Lopez tracked him down before Glee Club. She leaned over his chair with her arms crossed over her cheerleading uniform.

Then she told him, quite clearly, that he fucked up.

"I honestly don't care what you two virgins do in your spare time," Santana drawled, looking very irritated. "But the fact is that if even _Tina Cohen-Chang_ can't put up with your bullshit and your fucking inadequacy issues, you should give up hope of finding anyone willing to date you." She looked him over and wrinkled her nose. "She tolerates your grandpa vests for God's sakes and I've seen her in locker rooms. That girl is hot underneath all those Hot Topic tees. She could totally do better."

She didn't even give him a chance to defend himself before stalking off.

After that weird and downright terrifying encounter, Artie allowed himself to mope in his room, playing bad 80s romance ballads on his guitar for two weeks. He continued avoiding Tina and most people from the club whenever possible since it was clear that almost everyone was siding with his ex-girlfriend.

With the exception of Matt, Mike, and Kurt, everyone had offered their opinion on the break up, which seemed to amount to "Artie, you were a douche-bag" and he just didn't want to hear it.

It was easier to avoid everyone due to impending finals and New Directions not placing at Regionals. Most of the Glee practices were unofficial jam sessions. Mr. Schue was so busy nowadays that he usually didn't even supervise, so Artie usually chose to skip and focus on homework instead of attending.

Since hearing that he yelled at Brittany and made her cry, most people from Glee made it a point to give him a wide berth – which was why he was surprised when Kurt found him at the library during their study hall and sat down at his table.

"Um," Artie said, frowning a little. "If you're going to lecture me on how I'm a terrible person who didn't deserve Tina, you're two weeks late." Then he added hastily, as an afterthought, "And I will leave."

Kurt looked entirely unimpressed with his threat, which could have meant a lot of things or nothing at all. He always looked incredibly unimpressed. He took out his math homework. "Suit yourself." And then he began to work on the problems in front of him.

Artie waited and waited for Kurt to say something but he seemed perfectly fine plowing through his Algebra II problems and not speaking.

He finally broke the silence. "So, what's been going on in Glee?"

Kurt erased one of his answers and grabbed his graphing calculator. "Oh, nothing much," he said absently. "Too-Tall and Queenie -" he looked up and saw Artie's blank expression and rolled his eyes "- Puck and Quinn," he clarified. "They've been fighting a lot. My guess is that now that Quinn's not pregnant, they're not used to having conversations that aren't related to food cravings. Or why sexting totally counts as cheating."

"Too-Tall and Queenie," Artie repeated. "From the Bernstein Bears?"

Kurt made a small affirmative noise. "Exactly. Because Puck and Quinn are always on-again and off-again."

Artie vaguely remembered reading the books as a kid in waiting room at his doctor's office… Kurt's nickname for Puck and Quinn were actually pretty accurate, all things considered. He found himself snickering a little. "Are Puck and Quinn special exceptions, or do you have nicknames for everyone else?"

"As ridiculously cliché as it is, I'm sure Rachel is convinced that she's Gabriella and Finn's her Troy which would make me a bastardized Ryan Evans. Or maybe I'm just an even more fabulous Marc St. James and Mercedes is black Amanda."

"What about me?" Artie asked, amused.

Kurt's eyes flickered over him for a moment before answering. "I always pegged you and Tina to be Logan and Mary Anne."

Confused, Artie blinked several times. "Who?"

"You know, from the Babysitters Club books?" Kurt replied distractedly while he punched in numbers into his calculator. "They were supposedly the perfect couple but they kept breaking up and getting back together. Logan was an inconsiderate brute and finally Mary Anne got fed up and broke things off with him." After a few moments, something crossed his face and he looked genuinely contrite. "Sorry," he said apologetically. "I honestly didn't realize how that sounded until after I said it."

"No, it's okay." It wasn't, but the fact that Kurt had said that so easily made something in Artie's gut lurch. It reminded him of what Santana said before. Strange, he had expected Mercedes and Quinn to automatically side with Tina because they were girls. Girls always sided with each other. Female solidarity and all of that. The fact that most of the guys also sided with Tina caught him by surprise, but Kurt had carefully avoided talking about the break-up in front of Artie.

The fact that it seemed like even Kurt -who was his friend- took Tina's side stung.

Tense silence followed for a few minutes before Artie got the nerve to ask, "So... how is she?" He didn't even need to specify whom he was referring to – it was obvious.

Kurt frowned at him. "As well as could be expected. Mercedes, Quinn, and I have tried to get her to open up but she won't tell us anything. We've been taking her shopping a lot. Retail therapy seems to help."

Artie felt a stab of guilt when he remembered how he had assumed that Tina exaggerated the truth to make him look bad. She hadn't said anything – of course she wouldn't have, she wasn't the type who would say an unkind word about anyone.

Tina didn't influence everyone who had been calling him out of his behavior at all... which meant, they were telling him things they themselves had noticed.

Now he just felt _terrible_. "Oh."

For some reason, Kurt looked visibly irritated by his reaction. "Yes, 'oh'," he said, mimicking Artie's tone of voice, glaring at him. "I think it's ridiculous and foolish that two of my very good friends who are so clearly smitten with each other _aren't_ together because one of them isn't man enough to admit when he's wrong."

Artie tried to say something, but Kurt cut him off.

Kurt wasn't looking at him in the eye when he said, quietly, "Do you know what I would give to be able to have what you and Tina shared? You two can hold hands, kiss, and be idiotically in love and no one's going to say anything. No one's going to throw pee balloons at your house or tell you that they'll be praying for you."

The bitterness in Kurt's voice caught Artie off-guard, he tried to say something again, but Kurt went on.

"I'm aware that you think your life is the hardest life anyone has ever had to live because you can't walk and you're mad at Tina for lying, but have you ever thought about _why_ she faked a disability for so long? That there may be some other issues at work here?"

"It wasn't fair that she faked a stutter and was able to reap the benefits – "

Kurt was already packing his stuff, but he gave Artie a look. "What benefits? Tina didn't fake a stutter for sympathy – she did it to deflect attention _from herself_. She's as painfully shy as Rachel Berry is loud." He paused long enough to add, "Something worth considering – you may be in Glee Club and in a wheelchair, but you still have a better chance of finding someone who's willing to go out with you than I ever will in this small, narrow-minded, homophobic town."

Artie noted distractedly that Kurt's nicely executed flounce was ten times more effective than Rachel Berry's.

* * *

Kurt eventually apologized. He did so by presenting him with a catalog of bow ties and a gift certificate (even though Artie told him that they were good and that he seriously didn't have to do that) to make up for going off at him.

He even made a point to hang out with Artie more often when classes ended and all they had were tests and state exams, although Artie wondered if it was out of guilt and pity more than friendship.

Kurt's rant had made him think and re-evaluate a lot of things – mostly his relationship with Tina and how much he missed her. Everyone was right – he _had_ been pretty self-absorbed when they were together. Kurt had said something about what Tina had done had been wrong – but that still didn't excuse his own actions.

"Your behavior was wrong but nevertheless understandable," Kurt said rather generously, "Tina was your first girlfriend and you have no idea what acting like a proper boyfriend would actually entail. It's your inexperience with relationships that caused the two of you to break up."

"Um, thanks?" Artie was still getting used to Kurt's backhanded compliments. He reached for the catalog. He watched Kurt's expression turn pinched and horrified when he pointed out a particularly awful checkered tie. "So, what do you think of this one? I think it goes with my favorite suspenders."

It didn't take long for Artie to realize that he missed her.

Even before she became his girlfriend, Tina had been his best friend. She'd watched awful B-rated sci-fi movies with him on the weekends and he would teach her to be awesome at Rock Band and Guitar Hero. He missed hearing her sing along to songs on her iPod whenever they just hung out.

Rachel may have had been their star, sure, but there was something special about Tina's voice that made Artie wish Mr. Schue would take notice and give her more solos.

And fact was that Tina's presence was still tangible in his room. There were burned CD mixes and her Season Two box-set of Dexter sitting on his bureau, and she accidentally left one of her sweatshirts and hadn't contacted him to reclaim it – it hung over the back of the doorknob of his room. Every time he passed it, he couldn't help but think about how it still smelled like her shampoo and perfume.

After thinking it over for a while, Artie then made it his new mission to win Tina-Cohen Chang back by proving to her that he honestly wasn't an asshole. He had just been stupid and immature because he was a "teenage boy". Kurt's choice of words, not his.

The thought of trying to win his ex-girlfriend back when practically everyone they knew thought he was horrible for her was simultaneously terrifying and overwhelming, everyone thought she was too good for him even if they didn't say so out loud- they had already taken sides.

Artie was suddenly very glad that he had all summer to strategize and figure out his plan of attack.

* * *

... And then out of nowhere, fuck, Tina _was going out with Mike Chang_. It was Facebook official and everything.

It was clear. The universe was totally giving him the middle finger. It was a sign that he had used up all his chances when Tina forgave him the first couple of times and now he was never going to get her back because he screwed up.

* * *

The first (and only) time he bumped into Mike-and-Tina as a couple over the summer had been sufficiently awkward.

It happened before he found out (from Puck and _Facebook_, an all-new low) that they had gotten together. Kurt had invited a bunch of the Glee Club over to his house for a barbecue/pool party to celebrate the fact that Finn and his mom had finally moved back in.

Artie had been over to Kurt's house before and knew that it would be a challenge getting around the backyard and almost decided not to go, but he figured he could probably use the social interaction.

With most of the Glee Club caught up in their own affairs (according to the grape-vine, Puck and Quinn were officially off-again) or too close to Tina to hang out with him, he almost wished that he had signed up for summer school just so he could have some human interaction.

He and his AV friends had been drifting apart since he became heavily involved with Glee. He was spending most of the summer thus far either cooped up in his room with his guitar or out in his drive-way shooting hoops. He still hung out with Kurt occasionally, but it was awkward having to schedule things so they wouldn't bump into any of the girls.

It had been up to be a pretty pathetic summer and Artie couldn't stand his parents giving him any more concerned looks or offering to drive him places so he could see his friends.

In the end, he decided that he could deal with awkwardly maneuvering his chair at the Hummels.

"They're out back in the pool," Kurt's dad told him, after his mom dropped him off and pulled out of the drive away. He looked at Artie, looked at the yard and it looked like he was mentally assessing the difficulty level of Artie getting to the party in the backyard. "Do you need any help?"

Artie waved him off. "I'll be fine."

When he reached the pool, most of the guests had already arrived. He had already known not everyone was able to come. When Kurt sent the Facebook Event invite, he saw that Santana had written on the wall, saying she had some family thing and Matt was also out of town, but most of the club was accounted for which was a little surprising.

Kurt was lounging by the pool with Mercedes and Quinn in sunglasses, a loose white shirt and matching linen pants. He smiled when he saw Artie and waved, but went back to talking to the girls.

Artie couldn't help but notice Quinn's extremely skimpy bikini; he supposed she had a right to be proud when it was clear she had lost almost all the baby weight. Even though he wanted Tina back more than anything – he was still a straight teenage male with eyes and she was still Quinn Fabray.

He was going to have to make a conscious effort to keep his eyes on Quinn's face for the rest of the day.

Finn and Rachel were frolicking in the pool, looking disgustingly cute and couple-y, so much that he had to turn to look away.

Brittany waved at him; she looked like she was involved in an intense game of water polo with Mike and Tina, so Artie didn't distract her by shouting a greeting.

"Yo Abrams, want to give me a hand with the burgers?" Puck was standing over the grill, shirtless. He poked at beef patties and hot dogs with a spatula, looking completely miserable.

He even thanked Artie gruffly when he wheeled over, which meant that Puck must have been really depressed and bummed out.

Artie was proven right when Puck informed him that Quinn volunteered him to man the grill because she was pissed at him.

"I was going to bring the alcohol but I think Finn warned Hummel's dad." Puck grimaced. "This is going to be the lamest party ever."

"Yet you still showed," Artie pointed out. Puck glowered at him and muttered something under his breath but didn't try pushing him and his wheelchair into the pool. Artie figured it was progress from what would have happened a year ago. "Um, I think you turn the hot dogs over before they go completely black."

A shriek of laughter from the pool caught Artie's attention. He watched as Mike pulled Tina under water with him. When the couple re-emerged they were laughing and clinging to each while listening to Brittany enthusiastically blather on about something.

They were hanging off each other and smiling at each other, obviously happy and enjoying each other's company.

Seeing Mike grin and mime pulling Tina back under water and Tina's mock-outraged face reminded him of the time when Tina chose Mike as her dance partner. The feeling was the same; his throat was tight and his stomach felt constricted.

Artie watched as Tina didn't let go of Mike's arm when talking to Brittany. The two of them looked good together – color-coordinated swimsuits (blue), matching tans, and they clearly looked comfortable with each other.

Something in his chest ached.

Tina had chosen Mike over him again.

"Dude." Puck stared at him, one eyebrow raised. He was oblivious to the kebobs he was now burning. He jabbed his spatula at Mike and Tina. "You didn't know, man?"

"No. I didn't."

"Showed up on my Facebook feed a couple of days ago." Puck shrugged. "For a while, I thought they were related 'cause Chang has always been weirdly protective of her. Then I thought they were together because their parents set them up. You know, like one of those arrangements you see in Chinese movies."

"Tina's _Korean_."

Puck looked at him. "Your point?"

Artie ignored him, still watching as Mike chivalrously helped Brittany and Tina out of the pool. It was like one of those slow-motion 1980s teen movies where the girl emerged from the pool looking breathtakingly gorgeous. Artie could now see the rest of Tina's swimsuit that showed off her soft curves- it was a one-shouldered two-piece, light blue and told him that she hadn't been the one who pick it out.

Artie was then reminded that Tina spent time with Mike's family in California after noticing her tan again. The fact that their parents were close friends and obviously okay with the two of them spending time together (alone) in a different state… they even had parental approval on their side.

"Damn," Puck muttered. "Chang totally lucked out."

"Puck? Shut up."

As though she had heard him, Tina looked up and her smiling expression flattened for a second. She gave him a quick half-smile before turning her attention back to Mike and their conversation.

"So, Tina's stepdad is Jewish. Do you know if she knows Rabbi Greenberg?"

* * *

Artie spent the rest of the party talking to Brittany, Finn, and even Rachel, which he supposed said a lot about how much he was trying to avoid talking to Mike and Tina directly.

That didn't mean he didn't try to eavesdrop when he was within earshot.

Kurt, Mercedes, and Quinn were not so subtly interrogating Tina on Mike. And well, it was their own fault if they didn't see him hiding out from behind one of the half a dozen fake palm trees Kurt had in his backyard. It meant that his chair was pressed against the sliding glass door leading to the Hummel's living room, which wasn't exactly comfortable and his cover could get blown at any minute but he could deal.

"So about you and Mike…" Mercedes started.

Tina's groan was audible even from where Artie was. "I thought you guys were going to stop."

"You thought wrong," Quinn chirped. "He was looking good out there. He really needs to start wearing tighter t-shirts."

"And we know the rest of him is just as fine from his KISS costume. I don't care what Finn says, pants that tight are called _leggings_," Mercedes added, giggling a little.

"Am I supposed to feel jealous that you guys are talking about my boyfriend that way?" Tina sounded amused and perplexed. "Is this your new strategy?" Artie tried to pretend his stomach didn't lurch when Tina said 'my boyfriend'.

Mercedes ignored her comment. "All I'm saying is that I think that you should think things through. I mean, what do you two even have in common?"

Tina sounded testy in her reply. "We've been friends since he moved here. Just because we're not in the same social circles at school doesn't mean that we don't have anything in common."

"Yeah, which is great and all when school's out. But what's going to happen in September? What if he decides that his jock rep is important?"

"Mike doesn't care about stuff like that," Tina said, defensive. "He chose Glee over football and I somehow feel like Finn and Rachel would be better targets for breaking the status quo than we are."

"I don't think you should jump into another serious relationship so soon," was Quinn's contribution.

"We're not sure about you and Mike." Mercedes prompted. "Kurt? You have anything to add?"

"Tina, I'm so glad you decided to listen when I told you that you could rock this bikini." There was a moment of silence that followed his statement, then, "What, Mercedes? I don't have a problem with Mike and Tina being together. Mike's one of the few guys who has always been decent to me."

"Boy, you're not helping _at all_. Tina – I'm sure Mike's really nice and all, but Quinn's right. Don't you think this is a bit soon after Artie?"

"Who says we're serious?" Tina sighed. "I like him. He likes me. Our parents like us together." Tina didn't sound happy that they were pushing the topic. "My mom and his mom are best friends and we've known each other for years. It just makes sense."

Quinn sounded unnaturally concerned. "I don't know how heavy it is between the two of you, but I hope you guys are… safe. Learn from my mistake. Mike's not Puck, he's a really sweet guy, I don't think he's capable of pressuring any – "

"Have you two slept together?" Mercedes wanted to know.

Tina's reply was uncharacteristically acidic. "I don't think that's really any of your business."

He heard enough.

He was about to go find Brittany when some sounds from inside the house caught his attention.

The upstairs bathroom window was open and it took Artie a few seconds to realize that the voice he was hearing was Mike and it sounded like he was on the phone.

"Hey, you're missing a pretty awesome party, man." Artie could practically hear Mike grinning from where he was. He quickly concluded that the dancer was on the phone with Matt since they were scarily co-dependent. "Yeah, no – surprisingly not as awkward as it could be. Rachel actually seems kind of mellow? She even made cookies for the barbecue! Yeah, I know. I guess Finn is distracting her..."

Artie was straining his ears so hard he felt like he could spontaneously combust.

Mike continued. "Well, I actually haven't talked to Artie yet. I bet it'll be hella awkward."

There was a long pause, then a chuckle. "Dude, you can kick my ass when you get back. I know, you can't leave me alone anywhere. Well it's not like I can act on my feelings for – okay, no, shut up, that's not cool. Low blow."

It sounded like Finn managed to push Puck into the pool. With everyone's loud raucous laughter, Artie only managed to catch the end of the conversation:

"Listen – I've got to- uh huh, no. I need to get back outside. Call me again later? Yeah. See you."

Artie quickly left before Mike got downstairs.

* * *

Before this summer, Artie couldn't think of a single reason why anyone could dislike Mike Chang.

But now that he knew that Mike liked someone else (while still currently in a relationship with Tina) Artie found himself frequently muttering about how Mike was a total jerk to Kurt – who made it very clear after the third time he had to endure the "Mike Chang isn't all that great" rant that he wasn't interested in whatever Artie had to say.

Kurt pinched the bridge of his nose and gave Artie a withering look from behind his copy of French Vogue. "I know that you want Tina back and you're unhappy that she and Mike are together. So while I can understand that you're upset, I don't know why you feel this need to theorize out loud about on the size of his _equipment_."

"Surveys show that Asian dudes tend to have smaller- "

Kurt bristled. "I don't care what people on the Internet say, Artie. Stop talking about his junk in my room – my dad doesn't always knock and this is one awkward conversation I honestly want to avoid having with him."

Kurt was also less than sympathetic when Artie told him about how his nightmares of Tina and Mike.

"I keep having this recurring dream where they were counselors at a Chinese-American Heritage camp –"

"But Tina's Korean, " Kurt interrupted, frowning. "And are there even enough Chinese American kids in Lima for a camp?"

"Kurt, stop trying to use logic with my subconscious. Anyway, Tina comes to get Mike and he walks out of the shower or he just finished coaching his campers in soccer and it's swelteringly hot so he's shirtless and then Tina sees him in all his dancer-abs glory and you know I can't compete with that, Kurt. So Tina just can't help herself so when she sees him – "

Kurt stared and continued staring even after Artie finished.

"Your subconscious decided that 'Summer Nights' was playing in the background of them making out? In a camp for small children? _Seriously_?"

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Then he told Artie he was going to be right back- he was going to set up Finn's Xbox because it was clear that one of them really needed to release some tension in form of violent video games.

Midway through pillaging through Vice City, Artie formulated a plan.

Or a start of a plan.

He had a general idea of how he wanted things to go.

It was probably the adrenaline rush he got from stealing vehicles and shooting gang members (Kurt was right, it was very therapeutic), but Artie decided that given his situation, the only thing to do was to break Mike and Tina up.

He wasn't sure how serious things were between the two of them (and he wasn't sure he wanted to know), but it wasn't fair to Tina to waste her time on someone who didn't like her back.

And step one of his plan meant Artie had to figure out whom Mike actually had feelings for.

Kurt was still being irritatingly neutral on the Tina and Mike front, so Artie knew he couldn't ask him for help.

He had to turn to people who were better at him with plans and who would actually hear him out which unfortunately ruled out a lot of his friends.

That was how he ended up telling everything to Santana and Brittany at Breadstix's.

He guessed he must have looked pretty pathetic because Brittany detached herself from Santana to sit on his lap, undoubtedly scandalizing the other patrons. She then automatically offered to make out with him again, an offer he hastily declined after seeing Santana's expression.

"So what you're saying," Santana said, in between quick bites of her pasta, "Is that you want to know how to break Chang and Tina up?" She looked intrigued and a little entertained. "I'm impressed."

"I decided that I would need some help implementing my plan – once I come up with one – by other members from Glee. Quinn and Mercedes' allegiance are with Tina, no matter what their personal feelings are about her relationship with Mike," Artie explained. "My first priority is trying to figure out the identity of Mike's crush."

Santana shrugged her shoulders and tossed her hair. "How am I supposed to know? Chang and I don't talk that much." She rolled her eyes when she caught sight of Artie's crushed expression and said, a little more patiently, "I didn't say I wouldn't help, but you're going to have to figure out who he likes on your own."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

Santana turned to Britt. "Britt? Any ideas?"

Brittany's forehead creased as she thought hard. "It's not me. He's like, the only guy to ever apologize after we made out. Kurt also apologized, but that's because he was using me to pretend to be straight." Brittany brightened. "He sent me a very nice gift basket as an apology."

Artie blinked. "Mike?"

Brittany looked at Artie strangely. "No, Kurt. Why would Mike send me a selection of Bare Minerals make-up and a stuff animal of Victoria's Secret mascot?"

Kurt apparently had a thing for grand gestures, then.

Santana stabbed a meatball with her fork and shrugged at Artie. "If you really want to figure who Mike likes, find a way to cozy up with Matt. The two of them are close."

* * *

And that was how Artie found himself over-analyzing Mike and Matt's wall-to-walls for an unmentionable number of hours on Facebook because there was no way for him to just casually become best friends with Matt without arousing suspicion. (Matt was also inconveniently in Chicago.)

As it turns out, most of their conversations weren't too interesting – good-natured bickering over comic books, school, dancing, and video games. They were like, the epitome of bromance.

Apparently, the jocks were too smart to post anything incriminating online where anyone could see them, unlike certain individuals Artie was friends with who tended to over-share online.

After some sleuthing, one of Mike's posts caught Artie's attention.

**Mike Chang▸ Matt Rutherford** So best pep rally ever or best pep rally ever? :D  
February 12 at 08:32pm • Comment • Like  
Matt Rutherford, Mercedes Jones, Kurt Hummel, and two others like this  
**Matt Rutherford** LOL, like what you saw? :P  
February 12 at 9:20pm • Like  
**Mike Chang** Haha, you know it! You too?  
February 12 at 10:03pm • Like

The conversation went back and forth, mostly with Matt teasing Mike about staring too hard and something about being totally obvious.

(And that made Artie wish that Mike _was_ being totally obvious.)

But after looking at the date of the post he figured that it was when Kurt and Mercedes joined the Cheerios a few months back and Mr. Schue totally lost his shit.

And then it hit him:

The Cheerios performed at the pep rally. Mike Chang had a crush on a Cheerio.

All Artie had to figure out was who.

* * *

Santana had flatly told him not to bother her until he had something concrete and somehow, he figured that Brittany would probably be more willing to help him try narrow down the prospects.

He was a little surprised when she told him to meet him at the local SPCA.

Brittany beamed when she saw his dad dropped him off in front of the building. "Hi, I'm glad you could make it!" She had a cat in her arms and what looked like the world's ugliest dog trailing at her heels. "I told Susan, the director, that you would be stopping by even though you're not a volunteer. She says it's okay since I said you're responsible and you can't cause too much trouble because you can't walk. You don't mind stuffing envelopes, do you?"

Ten minutes later, Artie was absent-mindedly folding fliers and had somehow acquired a small cat of his own ("You're not allergic, right?" Brittany asked, right before depositing a tabby named Gavin into his lap).

"You volunteer here a lot?"

"I like animals," was Brittany's simple explanation. "I come by here and at the local nature center because I like to try to help them." (Artie was then reminded of the bird in Brittany's locker and wondered if she was trying to save it.) She looked downright thoughtful when Artie told her his Cheerios theory.

"It's possible," she said, shrugging. "He used to show up to watch us practice before Coach Sylvester started trying to get him to join because he's triple-jointed."

"I think you mean double-jointed," Artie corrected.

Brittany shook her head, her blonde ponytail swinging. "No, triple-jointed. It's cool and kind of hot. You should see what he can do after a couple of beers." She smiled. "But if he does like a Cheerio, it's probably someone who hasn't been on the team long."

At Artie's expression, Brittany rolled her eyes in a manner that was all too reminiscent of Santana. "Because," she said in a tone that suggested what she was going to say was obvious, "I asked him back in January if he liked anyone on the Cheerios and he said no. Mike never lies to me because he's kind of terrible at lying. Plus he knows that I will know so he doesn't even try."

Artie wasn't following. "Why would you ask him that? How did it even come up?"

"We were playing Twenty Questions on a field trip. I asked him if he liked anyone on the Cheerios or in the Jazz band or on the Football team…"

"But the Football team has guys on it," Artie pointed out, stopping Brittany from listing off the next seventeen extracurricular clubs in the school.

"I don't understand." Brittany said, confused. "And?"

Artie blinked. "Are you saying that Mike might be interested in… _dudes_?" At Brittany's frown, he quickly added, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!"

"I don't think I said that- did I?" Brittany thought for moment before she added, "But if he is, that means that it's _really_ lucky that he's flexible because gay sex positions are kind of hard. Or at least that's what Santana said, she was going to show me some videos."

Brittany then started talking about the differences between "girls gay sex" and "guys gay sex" which made Artie very thankful that Brittany volunteered so early in the day; it was just the two of them in the room and Britt's supervisor Susan was in her office making phone calls.

Artie managed to cut her off before she started talking about stuff she and Santana would do in the girls locker room, "So, who joined the Cheerios after January?"

"Some girl who transferred here from France, but Coach Sylvester kicked her off because she said losing and Neapolitan was too much in her blood." Brittany shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know what ice cream has to do with it, but I'm pretty sure Mercedes and Kurt were the only other ones who joined after her. But Mercedes quit. Kurt didn't though. He's getting pretty good."

* * *

Artie freaking loved Facebook.

It was so easy to get the information you wanted – as long as you knew what you were looking for.

And sometimes, it was the information that _wasn't_ there that made a difference.

Artie flipped between three open tabs on his computer.

One was the wall-to-wall between Mike and Mercedes that consisted of one message of Mercedes wishing Mike a happy birthday and Mike's subsequent thanks.

Another was a short wall-to-wall conversation between Mike and Kurt that included questions about homework and Glee – each conversation was initiated by Mike and included far too many emoticons and what Artie perceived to be questions Mike could have easily asked Matt or someone else.

And finally, the last tab was on Mike Chang's Facebook profile where Artie noted that underneath _In a relationship with Tina Cohen-Chang_, where _Interested in:_ should have been – was conveniently left blank.

That was basically all the confirmation Artie really needed.

(He wondered if being a professional Facebook stalker was a viable career option. Because he was kind of awesome at it.)

* * *

By the time September rolled around and school supplies were on sale at Staples, Artie already had everything planned.

He was going to break Mike and Tina up by making Kurt return Mike's feelings.

That way, he could show Tina how sorry he was and they could get back together and be as happy and adorable as Cory and Topanga.

His plan was brilliant.

All he needed was the Glee Club to be on board, because there was no way he could pull everything off by himself.

Santana and Brittany were perfectly willing to help (in exchange for shopping money and free meals – Artie was lucky he had a healthy amount of Christmas and Hannukah money saved up).

He was sure that if he convinced Rachel, Finn would go along with anything she did. Finn was refreshingly…uncomplicated sometimes and Artie could already see the gears in Finn's head turn when Rachel explains things to him. It would go something like:

1. Finn liked Mike.  
2. Finn also liked Kurt now that Kurt was past his awkward crush on him and they were practically step-brothers.  
3. Finn wanted Kurt to be happy.  
4. Mike could make Kurt happy.  
5. Mike was a nice enough guy that Finn wouldn't have to worry about him breaking Kurt's heart. (And Finn could totally take Mike in a fight just by sitting on him or something.)

Puck was out, though. The football player kept leaving strange messages on Tina's wall and Artie still didn't trust him from stuff he said at the barbecue.

Artie was also reasonably confident that if he showed Mercedes and Quinn that he was genuinely sorry for how he treated Tina, they would be glad to help, judging by their lukewarm reactions to Tina and Mike's relationship at the barbecue.

They were also tight with Kurt.

As long as Artie had Kurt's best romantic interests at heart (which he did because Kurt was his friend and it sucked to be a gay teen in Lima, Ohio), they would probably help set their good friend up with a nice dancing jock who genuinely liked him.

And even though Artie was pretty damn straight, he knew objectively speaking, that Mike Chang wasn't bad-looking. Mercedes and Quinn had even said so before (and he even overheard Santana addressing Mike as "pretty boy" at practice one time) – he was sure they would approve of Mike as a potential boyfriend for Kurt.

(Kurt, for obvious reasons, couldn't know about Artie's plan. It was for his own good.)

The hardest part would be trying to convince Matt Rutherford to help set up his best friend with Kurt Hummel.

* * *

"How did you even get my number?" Matt asked. He sounded confused, but not unfriendly.

"Facebook," Artie replied cheerfully. "You might want to check on your privacy settings. Matt… I have a proposition for you."

As if Artie needed even further confirmation that his suspicions were correct, Matt didn't even try to deny that his best friend was interested in the Glee Club's resident male soprano.

Matt's only question had been, "Okay…so, what exactly do you want me to do?"

His additional comment was something about how Glee Club like, the most incestuous group since the Brady Bunch.

Artie was actually thinking along the lines of the last Harry Potter book and how everyone was related to everyone else in the epilogue, but he agreed with the general sentiment of Matt's assessment of the situation. He wasn't going to lie - the relationships that occurred in Glee sort of freaked him out a little whenever he thought about it too hard.

Artie tried making a relationship chart of the Glee Club one time out of sheer boredom and gave up after he realized everyone has dated, crushed on, or hooked up with everyone else in his circle of friends.

As the first day of school drew closer, Artie was already confident that his junior year would be better than the year before. 

* * *

Special thanks to Crackedaglet and Uminohikari on LJ for betaing. I shamelessly referenced scenes from the Season Two promo in Artie's nightmare (go to YouTube and search for 'Glee S2 Hook Ups' if you haven't seen it- it's totally worth it) and Jenna Ushkowitz's adorable bikini pictures with Kevin McHale.

Reviews are appreciated and loved!


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